Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss, [email protected]
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that
mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these
keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean
"up", as in "look up at the screen".
Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You
should not use this feature, however, because these letters are
also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be
particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty
at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's
Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or
you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use
of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to
depress the shift for you. You might also consider
replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys
with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and
! with "zowie".
Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off
for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your
keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard
as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and
scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and
lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard.
Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it
the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean
the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard,
but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and
washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the
key may be
labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .
Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a
friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin'
words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want
big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice!
Check to see whether your computer is equippped with
speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker.
Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves
down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several
times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice
before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating
between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so
that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be
equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift.
Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up
with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion.
Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the
horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity
to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and
view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all
look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using
a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then,
hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I
mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work.
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your
keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has
suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that
you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this
as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing
blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual
advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved
issues in your relationship with the Almighty.